No apologies, off we go...

Ladies, Gentlemen, and anybody that those two groups somehow manage to leave out, I have an announcement to make. I, my name here, do hereby name myself the de facto president of the Gypsy Lawson Fan Club. For those of you that haven't been following the news lately, let me bring you up to speed:

In November of last year, young Miss Lawson, for reasons I have yet to uncover, decided to smuggle a rhesus macaque (calm your googles, it's a monkey) back to the U. S. of A. from Bangkok, Thailand. This, in and of itself, is pretty awesome. I mean, who doesn't want a monkey? (Bullshit, you do so!) Even more awesome, though, is how she went about it. How was that, you ask? Well, she sedated it, snuck it under her blouse, claimed to be pregnant, and boarded the plane.

Yeah, I know!

Now, forgetting for a moment the Brokedown Palace-like clusterfuck that could have occurred on the departure side, 'cause I'm sure they're not crazy about monkey-smuggling in Thailand (unless you're using monkey-smuggling as a euphimism for a sex act, at which point I hear the Lady-Boys can be more than accomodating), there is the fact that she was smuggling the monkey through U.S. Customs in post-911 Amerika. Were it not for the fact that she would have to be at least passably female to pull something like this off, I would assume that the customs officials were distracted by her enormous balls, swinging to and fro like those you see on the trailer hitches of Eunuch-owned pickup trucks of Western Canada (What, you didn't know what those meant?). But no, she managed to get through customs, and was apparently only caught because she bragged about it to a store clerk that reported it to authorities (Subsequent denials of the story and claims that she had bought the monkey in California were dismissed after authorities found a hand-written journal of hers, detailing the trip and monkey-smuggling. Let that be a lesson to aspiring smugglers: Don't be a fuckin' 'Tard).

So now, Miss Lawson and her mother, who had accompanied Gypsy on the trip, have been found guilty of charges of smuggling and conspiracy to smuggle and are awaiting sentencing. Which is bull, in my opinion. Had I been the head juror on this case, when the Judge asked how I found the defendant, I would have had to stand up and start one of those slow-clap dealies like they did all the time in movies back in the '80s. But then, I guess I've always been a little too fond of monkeys, what with the kinship we share and all. That and Tasmanian devils.

Now THERE's a smugglin' I'd like to see!